Friendships build mental health in a number of important ways, from protecting us from feeling left out, which can lead to a higher risk for depression, to boosting happiness and self-esteem.
Even friendships with someone your child doesn’t see all the time can increase feelings of belonging.
But making – and keeping – friends can be hard for kids – and adults too!
Here are six ways to help them make friends and be a better friend:
- Talk about and show your friendships. Tell your kids how you met some of your friends and make sure they see you talking and interacting with your friends. They may need you to explain some friendship basics like:
- Asking questions and taking the time to listen to answers.
- Knowing what is worth sharing with a friend and what should be kept private.
- Finding things in common with someone to talk about (a sport, an activity, a show, etc.).
- Give them ideas for getting started. Children often need help with things like:
- Making eye contact
- Introducing themselves
- Ask them what they struggle with so that you can work on that area.
- Practice! Have them practice with people they feel comfortable with, such as a cousin or trusted adult. Then encourage them to branch out to try with people they don’t know as well. If you go to the same place regularly, that gives them the opportunity to practice in a comfortable setting.
- Talk about what kind of friends to look for. It’s important for kids to think about what makes a good friend – things like being kind, patient, loyal, supportive, etc. They may value someone who is silly over someone who is loud, so talk about these values. Use the download to discuss what kind of friends your child thinks would be best.
- Consider what characteristics would not be good in a friendship. While most friendships are good, some can be unhealthy or even harmful. If your child has a friend who is hurtful or not supportive, help your child think through that relationship. What do they consider to be friendship “deal breakers”? It might include things like hurtful speech toward others, lying, making you feel less important, making you do things that aren’t comfortable or bullying behavior.
- Teach conflict resolution skills. It’s common for friendships to include some problems or tension. Whether it’s arguments over different rules for a favorite game, wanting to play with the same thing or, when they’re older, wanting to participate in different activities, what will your child do when there’s trouble with one of their friends?
- Help them think through how they can talk through a problem with a friend.
- Discuss possible solutions to common problems like taking turns or coming up with a compromise.
- Share a time when you and a friend worked through a problem together and stayed friends.
If you work together on these skills for several weeks but they still don’t feel like they have any friends, you may want to talk with your child’s teacher to see if they have any insight or discuss it with your child’s pediatrician. They can help you decide if a mental health professional can help.